Hidden Beneath

There is a fear inside of me
Deep
   Ugly
      Scary
         Paralyzing
            Terrifying
Obsessive
   Possessive
      Weak
         Fragile
            Vulnerable
Please love me
Please want me
Please choose me

I prayed to the moon

I prayed with a stillness and peaceful resolve
I want him. I am ready for him, I said.
He who will see me, who will hold my raw heart in his hand
who will notice my sincere longing to receive.
        To give. To surrender.

Sometimes the path to what you want
is littered with landmines and illusions of the mind
Things to make you prove that you are ready
That you will be able to hold this gift
That you will see the sacred in his eyes
        with reverence and humility
and never forget you prayed for him.

Walking through, hand in hand
with your embodied prayer
running into the voices you grew up with
He won’t stay, they say
She will cross his path and he will follow her scent
There is no way you can hold him
        you are not worthy.

One by one, with him at my side
        we slay them
with his purifying love, with the permission he grants
with his purposeful devotion and humble gratitude
He silences those voices and brings forth
a woman who walks on the firm foundation of love.

I have nowhere else to be
He is my home.

trust

Sweetheart
There is nothing you need to do
Nothing you have done wrong
Nothing you need to prove.
You are wholly worthy
of your heart’s longings
Simply by virtue of your existence.
You deserve beautiful things.
Just trust
        How?
Surrender
        How?
Let Go
        Of what?
Expectations
And KNOW in your bones
that I love you.

collective purge

blood flows down to the river
down to the ocean
scars in the soul of the earth
ancestral mothers
        her daughter
and her daughter
and her daughter
        my flesh

she hears them coming
so she takes her babies and runs
they don’t know she holds the key
in the depths of her womb
in the softness of her hands
the warmth of her arms
        the soles of her feet

she works the magic of God with her hands
creation is her calling
soil under her fingernails
stardust in her hair
        children at her hip
wounds buried in her heart
hiding from those who see

a collective purge
like black flies coming out of her mouth
all the history stored in her DNA
let it all out
cleanse the pain
the earth heaves
her soul convulses

she rises and she rises and she rises too
the truth bubbling in her throat
who do you think you are?
i am she
i am worth the space i occupy
i am worth your attention
        i am worth the outrage
i am worth the healing

Angelica

it must be felt

walking
miles of winding consciousness
emotions trapped behind memories
digging
searching
unlocking the spirit of my essence
allowing the flood
the cleansing tearful deluge
liquified trauma
        released
free to course through my being
to be felt
acknowledged
assimilated
set free

Angelica

Musical Complement:
You Gotta Walk that Lonesome Valley by Mississippi John Hurt

Holding life with an open hand

I don’t know how
to not hold on for dear life
to all of the things I want
so I suffocate them
and squeeze them
so they’ll stay
but that is the exact way
to lose them.

How do you hold on to something
without holding on to it?
How do you hold on to something
without squeezing it to death?
You trust
You trust that they will stay
You trust that you are worthy
You trust that you are lovable
You trust that they want to stay
That they want you too.

Loosen your grip
and know that you are made of stardust
that all the beautiful things in the universe
are inside of you.
You are complete.
Release the need to fill the void
and magically, there is no void.

Now call them in
and see how all of those things
that you long for
eagerly arrive at your side
hold them
with an open hand
give them the freedom to leave
and notice how they stay.

Angelica

"There is beauty all around us, and the light finds us when we realize, we are all part of that beauty and worth the cherishing." -Tom Althouse

Echoes of Love

The sun shining on my face
A stranger smiling in my direction
My reflection in the water
A song that takes me back

When a friend wipes away my tears
When my little one wraps my arms around her
When my boy kisses my nose
When tears burn my eyes upon witnessing beauty

The realization that people really are good
That we are all on the same path
That we all want to love and be loved
Realizing that it is already so

Listen
With the part of you that feels the whispers of the moon
With the sacred part of you that knows it is true
With the part of you that believes

Listen and you will hear
That love echoes all around us.

Angelica

"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it - always." -Mahatma Gandhi

A morning of mourning

My tree is down
The winds were strong
The night was long.

I saw it this morning
The reinforcements on the ground
Broken
Alone.

The birds come
They perch on the horizontal trunk
Unsure
       Maybe mourning
My tree is down.

There is dew on its leaves
The sun comes out
and shines on my friend
The thunder clouds are now far away
There is reverence in the air
        The sanctity of life lingers
My tree is down. 

Angelica

Musical Complement: Pure Bliss by Marina Raye

She is ok.

A little girl
She doesn't know her father
She loses her mother
She looks for love and validation
        to fill the void
She finds boys.

A young woman
She splits her time between two cultures,
Two languages, two worlds.
        She looks for belonging
For home, for family
She finds cake.

A mother
She carries a heavy load
square on her back
She looks around for help
        Her anxiety growing
Her cuticles mutilated, her pants tight
She falls to her knees, she finally sees.

She belongs to herself
She is everything she ever wanted
Everything she ever needed
She fills herself with love and compassion for
The little girl
The young woman
The mother

And she steps out
Of the cage she put herself in
She purges herself
Of the energy she voluntarily consumed
        She frees herself
Of the lies she willingly believed
She breaks down the walls, brick by brick
And lets the feelings come in.

She knows she is ok. 

Angelica

Musical Complement: She Used to be Mine by Sara Bareilles